Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
