Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
