just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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