What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
