Already got asked if we're dating
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
