I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Come on in and take your pants off
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