paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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