Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
