Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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