I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
