Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
