The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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