Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
