Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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