He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just gift wrapped bread.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
