I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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