I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize