There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
