Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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