my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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