does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Randomize
