Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
