she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
