phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
