i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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