I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
