I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
