I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
