come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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