I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
