A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
