and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
