i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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