Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We left an ass print on the piano.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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