It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
