I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
