If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
