He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
