Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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