i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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