I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
