i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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