Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
