I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
