Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
im on a boat
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