I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
