Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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