$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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