I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Tornado booty call.. dedication
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
