I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
